The Lost Years
by Shonetta
Summary: JC PostEndgame. Kathryn's past haunts her relationship with Chakotay. Warning: concerns child abuse.
1. Chapter 1

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**THE LOST YEARS**  
**(R)**

**PROLOGUE**

Dressed in a shimmering pink leotard with a matching tutu and ballet slippers, a pretty little girl of three years lay fast asleep on a soft mat in a holographic gym. She had long silky black hair that fell loose over her thin shoulders, and her skin was a distinctive shade of olive.

The doors to the room slid open and Kathryn Janeway came in. She too was dressed as a ballerina, wearing a white leotard, pink tutu and matching ballet shoes, and in each hand she carried a wafer cone generously topped with vanilla ice-cream. One was decorated with strawberry sauce and the other with coffee.

"Here we are, Miss Melissa May," Kathryn said, crossing the room. "One vanilla and strawberry ice-cream for you and one vanilla and..."

She stopped talking when she saw that the child was fast asleep. Quietly, she made her way over to the child and knelt beside her. For a long moment Kathryn just gazed fondly at the sleeping little girl. She looked so peaceful when she slept, so content...so beautiful.

"Computer," Kathryn said as softly as she could. "Transport the ice-cream cones from my hands to the recycler and recycle."

Almost instantly the ice-creams vanished. Kathryn then reached out and brushed a stray strand of hair away from the child's rosy cheek. How much she loved this little girl she would never have been able to quantify. She loved her more than she had thought it possible to love. And there was no doubt in her mind that this child was a miracle. All the odds had been against her existence, but exist she did, and her existence had been many years in the making. The story of her life began not with her conception, but a decade before when two crews, one Starfleet and the other Maquis, had found themselves stranded at the other side of the galaxy. It was then that her father and her mother had met for the first time, and was then that began the journey that would change all their lives forever.

As she watched the child sleep, Kathryn found herself thinking about that journey and the love she had found along the way. At times it was a love that had raised her higher than the highest mountain, but at other times had cast her so low that she had felt lost in a cold pit of darkness. There had been times when she had lacked the strength to go on, when all she had wanted to do was curl up in the blackness and go to sleep. But in those moments of black despair, love had lifted her up and carried her towards the light. It was a love she was thankful for every day, and the journey one she would never forget.

**END OF PROLOGUE**


	2. Chapter 2

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**THE LOST YEARS**  
**(R)**

**CHAPTER ONE**

**2379**

The air was cold, crisp like the soft falling snow. Beneath a twilight afternoon sky, the former captain and first officer of the USS Voyager walked arm in arm towards a grand hotel that was set high in the Austrian alps. Behind them on a frozen lake, a number of guests skated, all wrapped up in thick winter clothes, and the happy shouts of children mingled with the merry music of a folk band who were playing in an elegant wooden bandstand.

"I'm so glad we came," Kathryn said, looking around at the white wilderness as she spoke. "It's such a beautiful place here and everyone respects our privacy." Since returning to Earth, she had found there to be immense public interest in her life. Having always been a very private woman, she found the invasion of privacy difficult to deal with.

"I think a lot of celebrities come here," Chakotay replied. "So I think the guests are used to famous faces."

"I just wish we didn't have to leave tomorrow. A weekend doesn't seem half enough time to enjoy this place...or each other. I've enjoyed having you all to myself the past couple of days and don't want it to end."

Chakotay stopped walking and turned to her. "Then why don't we stay longer? I have nothing to rush back to and I'm sure you could take a week or two off from work. Hell, you put in enough hours on Voyager to take a year long vacation if you want."

He waited for some characteristic protest, some excuse about having to go back to work, but to his surprise Kathryn smiled happily. "I would love to stay longer. And you're right, I have stacks of vacation time to take. How does two weeks sound?"

Now it was Chakotay's turn to smile. "Wonderful," he replied. "Just great."

They happily gazed deep into each other's eyes for a moment, and then Chakotay gently lowered his lips to hers in a tender kiss.

As they drew apart, Kathryn took his arm. "Come on. Let's see if we can extend our reservation."

* * *

"I'm sorry," a friendly young male receptionist said as he checked the hotel's reservation system, "but both your rooms are reserved for the next two weeks."

"What about other rooms?" Kathryn asked.

The receptionist quickly searched the database. "All communicating rooms are reserved aswell. This is our most popular season and most people book well in advance." He continued to search. "We only have three rooms that are not yet reserved. Two wedding suites and one single room. All twin rooms are fully booked."

"What about neighboring hotels?" Chakotay asked. "Are they likely to have vacancies?"

"I doubt it. You may find a double room or one single, but communication rooms and twins are likely to be reserved." He began to work the system again. "But I can do a quick check for you."

In seconds he had the result.

"As I suspected, they're all fully booked. There's one single and that's it."

Chakotay continued to question. "You say you have one single room vacant. Would it be possible for us to share it? I can sleep on the floor."

"I'm sorry," the man replied, "but it's hotel policy to not allow more than one occupant into a single room...safety regulations and so forth."

Disappointment filled Chakotay's eyes. "I understand," he said sadly. "It was worth a try."

"If you're willing to take a random vacation in northern Europe," the man suggested, "I'm sure I can find a hotel that will satisfy your requirements."

"We'd really like to stay here," Kathryn interrupted. "What about the wedding suites? Could we reserve one of those? They're clearly for two occupants..."

"I'm sorry," the receptionist answered, "but it's hotel policy to only give them to newly weds." He smiled, joking. "But we do have a registrar who performs civil unions threeevenings a week and tonight's a night..."

Chakotay smiled at the joke and then turned to Kathryn. "Shall we look for another hotel? It will only be a transport away..."

"I have a better idea," Kathryn said, her eyes sparkling. "Why don't we get married?"

Chakotay stared at her, unsure if she'd really said those words or if he was dreaming. "Did you really just say what I think you did?"

Kathryn nodded. "We've wasted too many years already. Let's not waste another second. Let's get married."

Chakotay was a moment in answering, still not quite believing this was happening. "But I thought you wanted to take things slowly...?"

"I've changed my mind," Kathryn smiled. "It's a woman's prerogative after all. So, what do you say?"

"Yes," Chakotay laughed. "Yes, yes."

He gathered Kathryn in his arms and they held each other close.

"Well," the receptionist said as they drew apart. "Looks like I'll be reserving a wedding suite then."

Chakotay turned to him happily. "Looks like you will."

* * *

"Oh, how lovely," Kathryn said as she and her bridegroom entered a luxurious wedding suite, followed by a young man who had the duty of transferring their luggage and showing them around. Kathryn was wearing a knee-length dress of sumptuous white velvet and on her feet were matching white velour high heels . Her now shoulder length hair was swooped up in an elegant bun and a gold chain decorated her neck. Chakotay was also very formally dressed in a white suit with a silver waistcoat and bow tie. Even though they had only invited her mother, sister, and Aunt Martha to be guests and witnesses, they had wanted to dress for the occasion. Her aunt hadn't been able to make it due to ill health, but her mother and sister had attended and joined them afterwards in a celebratory meal.

Kathryn walked into the center of the room and looked out through a long window that overlooked the valley below.

"I'm sure in daylight the view from here is quite spectacular," she observed.

"Yes, Ma'am," the young porter said, depositing the luggage by the door. "It's quite something. You can see right down to the town ."

Kathryn looked around the room and quickly absorbed her inviting surroundings. A few replicas of ancient gothic romance oil paintings adorned pine colored walls and opposite the window was a cream colored sofa that had a heart-shaped back. Rose-pink cushions decorated it that matched the rose-pink carpet beneath her feet, the rose-pink curtains at the window, and the rose-pink lamp shades that were evenly placed throughout the room.. Before the sofa was a heart-shaped crystal table and there was a bunch of red roses on it, a bottle of champagne, and two crystal glasses.

The porter pointed to a cream-coloured replicator that was in the far left corner of the room. "The replicator yonder should give you everything you need, but if you have any problems, don't hesitate to contact reception."

"Thank you," Kathryn smiled.

The young man then pointed to a closed cream door at his right. "The bedroom is through that door."

Kathryn went over to the door and opened it, followed by Chakotay. When she stepped into the room, she gazed around in delight. There was a large four poster bed to her right that looked out upon the same magnificent view as the living room, and it was beautifully decorated with rose-pink curtains, heart shaped cushions and shimmering cream satin sheets.

"It's wonderful," Kathryn said, smiling happily. "Your hotel sure has good taste."

"We aim to please, Ma'am," the young man smiled.

Kathryn saw a door in the far left corner and went over to it. "Is this the bathroom?"

"Yes," he replied. "Fully ensuite with jacuzzi and sonic shower."

"Sounds heavenly."

Kathryn opened the door and stepped inside. There was a large heart shaped jacuzi, a separate shower enshrined in crystal glass, and a very soft looking bundle of rose-pink towels in the corner.

"Perfect," Kathryn smiled. "Just perfect."

"Pleased you're satisfied, Ma'am," the porter replied. "Again, any problems, contact reception." He smiled warmly and then glanced at Kathryn and Chakotay in turn. "Congratulations, Sir, Madam. I hope that you will have many happy years together."

"Thank you," Chakotay replied.

The young man gave a nod, and then left, leaving Kathryn and Chakotay alone. As the main door closed behind him, Kathryn went over to Chakotay and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"I can't believe this is happening," she said happily. "It's all like a dream...a beautiful dream..."

"Well," Chakotay smiled. "If it is a dream, I never want to wake up."

"Ditto."

Chakotay then gazed deep into her eyes. "I love you, Mrs Chakotay."

"I love you too...Mr Janeway," Kathryn teased.

They laughed softly and then kissed tenderly.

"How about you run the jacuzzi while I open the champagne?" Chakotay suggested as they drew apart.

Kathryn smiled. "Right after another kiss...or two..."

Without a word, Chakotay obliged her.

* * *

The water was soapy and warm and Kathryn lay back against a soft cushion and closed her eyes momentarily as she sunk lower into the watery delight.

"Bliss," she said to Chakotay, who wasreclining beside her, "pure bliss."

Chakotay picked up a now half empty bottle of champagne that lay on a silver rack behind him and held it out to Kathryn. "More champagne?"

"Not for me," Kathryn replied. "Any more and I'll be drifting..."

Chakotay smiled, put down the bottle, and then turned his attentions to his bride. He gently brushed his fingers against her cheek and then ran his hand sensually down her neck. "You're so beautiful, Kathryn Janeway."

Kathryn gazed into his kind eyes, the love she was seeing in them taking her breath away. "You're mighty fine yourself."

Chakotay smiled again and lowered his lips to her in a soft kiss. His lips then moved to her cheek and he kissed his way from her ear to her chin before finding her lips again.

After a while they drew apart and gazed at each other, both slightly breathless.

Kathryn put her finger to Chakotay's tattoo and absently traced the course of it. "Shall we go...somewhere more comfortable?"

Chakotay understood her meaning. "I think that would be a good idea." He took her hand in his, kissed it, and then climbed out of the jacuzzi. He then put a super large pink towel around himself and held it open to Kathryn. Seconds later she was inside it, and Chakotay wrapped it around her as she wrapped her arms around his neck.

"I'm so happy, Chakotay," she said, her eyes moist. "I can't remember when I was this happy. I don't think ever."

"Neither can I," Chakotay replied. "All these years of loving you, all these years of hoping... and now..."

"I know," Kathryn whispered. "I know." She raised her lips to his and kissed him tenderly. Then Chakotay began to dry her and she returned the gesture.

When they were both dry, Chakotay gently lifted Kathryn up and carried her through to the bedroom. He carefully lay her down on thesoft bed and then lay down beside her. Kathryn gazed up at him, her eyes sparkling, and Chakotay gazed at her, his eyes taking in every feature, every freckle. Slowly, exquisitely, their lips met and they kissed as though they were kissing for the first time. Then Chakotay moved his lips to her neck and began to make tender love to her.

Kathryn lay in a haze of ecstasy as Chakotay's lips and hands kissed and caressed her body. His touch was so gentle, so sensuous, and his kisses so tender. She sighed at the sensations he was evoking, but then, unexpectedly, she went as rigid as iron in his arms and cried out fearfully.

"No. Please, no..."

Chakotay instantly drew away from her and looked down at her. She was panting in distress and there were tears in her eyes.

"I'm sorry," Chakotay said quietly, tears filling his own eyes. "Did I hurt you?"

Kathryn made no reply. It was almost as though she couldn't hear him...as though she was lost in another place, another time.

"Kathryn?"

At the sound of her name, Kathryn's eyes began to focus and she looked up at Chakotay, her body visibly trembling.

"I'm sorry," she said tearfully. "I'm so sorry..."

Without waiting for a reply, she scrambled out of the bed, picked up her nightdress from a chair, and hurried into the bathroom.

Chakotay sat up and called after her, but she was gone.

**END OF CHAPTER ONE**


	3. Chapter 3

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**THE LOST YEARS**  
**(R)**

**CHAPTER TWO**

For a long moment, Chakotay sat on the edge of the bed and tried to make sense of what had happened. His first thought had been that he had hurt her, but now a terrible thought was emerging in his mind that maybe someone else, at some time, had done so. Images of his life with Kathryn flashed before his eyes, all of them validating that thought in some way...her introversion, her reactions to his closeness or his touch, her lack of self-care, the night clothes she had worn on New Earth, her reluctance to let anyone get close to her... It had all been there but he had just been too blind to see it. And now that he did, he didn't want to see it. But he had too, he had to face this.

Slowly he got to his feet, put on his boxer shorts, and went over to the bathroom door. He knocked the door and called out.

"Kathryn?"

No answer.

He tried the handle, but the door was locked.

"Kathryn," he said again. "I'm worried about you. Please...Open the door."

Nothing.

"Please, Kathryn."

Still nothing. Chakotay studied the digitized lock and tried to remember the emergency access number they'd been given. 235...something. He tried a couple of combinations to no avail, but at the third attempt the door opened. Chakotay stepped into the room and looked around. For a moment he couldn't see Kathryn, but then his eyes located her. She was sitting in a corner of the room weeping, her back against the wall, hugging her knees. Pain knifed Chakotay's heart at the sight of her. He had never seen her like this before, had never seen anyone cry like this before... Picking up her robe that was hanging on a hook next to his, he slowly went over to her and knelt beside her.

"Kathryn," he whispered. "My love..."

He put the robe around her and Kathryn clutched it, drawing it close. "I'm sorry," she said tearfully. "I'm so sorry..."

"It's alright," Chakotay replied, not knowing what else to say, even if it was apparent that things were far from alright. "Just hold to me..."

Kathryn leant against him and Chakotay gathered her in his arms, cradling her against him.

For a long time Kathryn wept, every painful sob racking her thin body, but at last her tears ebbed and she lay still in his arms.

"I didn't know I would react that way," she said quietly. "I'm so sorry..."

"Don't apologize," Chakotay replied kindly. "You've done nothing wrong..."

At that, Kathryn drew slightly away from him. "You've guessed, haven't you? I mean why..."

"Yes," Chakotay said sadly. "Something bad happened to you."

Kathryn nodded. "I thought I'd dealt with it, you know? Put it behind me. But I clearly haven't..."

Chakotay brushed a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "I wish you'd told me, Kathryn. You shouldn't have tried to deal with this alone."

"I didn't want you to know. I didn't want to bother you with it and didn't want it to change how you feel for me."

"Nothing could change how I feel for you, nothing at all. I love you, so very very much. You should have told me. You should have told me a long time ago."

"I'm sorry," Kathryn whispered.

There were those words again.

"But you can tell me now," Chakotay replied. "That is if you're up to it..."

Kathryn nodded. "I am. I'm better now."

Chakotay kissed her forehead softly. "I'll go and replicate us a coffee and we can talk in the living room."

He got to his feet, collected his robe, and then began to put it on. As he did so, Kathryn got to her feet and put on her own robe.

"Thank you," she said, watching Chakotay closely.

Chakotay turned to her. "What for?"

"For all this...For not being angry with me."

Chakotay tied the belt on his robe and then closed the distance between them. "There's nothing to be angry about. Not with you..." He was as angry as hell with whoever had hurt her. "What happened wasn't your fault. I love you and I'm here for you."

Kathryn smiled, tears in her eyes.

Chakotay kissed her forehead again. "Come through when you're ready."

With that he left the room, leaving Kathryn alone. As the door shut behind him, Kathryn shivered. His presence, his love, was like a light banishing the dark shadows of her soul. Now he was gone, she felt them close in on her and choke her.

* * *

When Kathryn arrived in the living room, she found Chakotay standing by the window, gazing absently at the black winter outside. In his hands he held a cup of steaming coffee and there were black slippers on his feet. He turned around when he heard Kathryn come in and gestured to the crystal heart table. There was a steaming silver pot upon a tray and an empty mug of smoky glass.

"I replicated a pot of black coffee. Help yourself."

Kathryn went over to the table and picked up the pot. She was still trembling and her hand was unsteady as she poured the black liquid into the cup.

Chakotay slowly made his way from the window to the sofa and was just about to sit down when Kathryn hastily put down the pot in her hands and looked up at him urgently.

"I've changed my mind," she said, hardly able to get the words out quickly enough. " I don't want to talk about this. Let's just pretend it never happened." Tears filled her eyes. "Let's just go back to the bedroom and make love..."

Chakotay took a deep breath and then put down his cup of coffee on the table. "We can't pretend this never happened, Kathryn. We have to deal with this."

"But what is there to deal with? My step-uncle abused me and it screwed me up, no pun intended. What more can be said? Please, let's just go back to the bedroom..."

Blood drained out of Chakotay's face and he said nothing, just stared at her with infinite pain in his eyes.

Kathryn swallowed at his reaction. "Chakotay?"

Clenching his fists and teeth he paced the floor before turning around. "Please tell me he's dead, Kathryn," he said angrily, "or I'm afraid I will kill him."

"He's dead," Kathryn answered. "He died in a safari accident when I was fourteen."

Chakotay's anger subsided a little at that and he walked towards her, taking a deep breath, desperately trying to compose himself.

"How old where you when he...?" He couldn't say the words.

"I don't remember exactly," Kathryn replied. "About six or seven. But he didn't, you know, until I was eleven. Until then he would, you know, do things, make me...use my body in whatever way he could..."

Her words made Chakotay feel sick and he put his hand to his mouth. "Excuse me."

He hurried into the bedroom and Kathryn heard him throw up in the bathroom. She looked in the direction of the room pitifully and then made her way to him.

"I'm sorry," Chakotay said, taking a drink of water in the bathroom. "I just..."

"I know," Kathryn replied, going over to him. "You're a good, gentle, loving man. You'd give your life to protect a child. The thought of someone doing something like this...I know it's hard for you." She put her hand on his arm, his need giving her strength, just like the needs of others always did. "But you know now. We don't have to go into the details. Telling you them won't change what happened."

Chakotay put his glass of water down. "I want you to tell me everything, Kathryn. We need to talk about this. I just...I wasn't expecting it. I thought what we were talking about was a random rape or the Cardassians...Not that those aren't serious things, but I didn't think...I didn't think child abuse." He paused, tears flooding his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Kathryn."

Kathryn lowered her eyes and fidgeted with her fingers.

"For most people their happiest childhood memory is a day at a fair or taking a ride in a star ship or something like that. For me it was the day I was told my step-uncle had died. It meant I was free...finally I was free." A tear ran down her cheek. "I didn't always understand what he was doing, but I always knew it was wrong, and when he...the pain...the pain it was just...the most horrific pain I've ever experienced. But I was too scared to tell anyone...he made sure of that." She paused. "I have all this ugliness in my head, Chakotay...terrible memories. I don't want to fill your head with them too. You've had too much pain in your life. You don't deserve this and I don't want you to have to deal with it."

Chakotay reached out and put his hand on her shoulder. "The last thing I want is for you to worry about me. What I want is for you to share this with me, to tell me everything. This isn't your issue any more, it's ours, and we'll deal with it together."

Kathryn looked up at him. "But are you sure, Chakotay? The ugliness it's like...it's like a poison. The turmoil in my head sometimes it's...it's not something I'm sure I want to share, least of all with you. If I tell you what I've been through, what I've felt, then you might not understand. People don't, generally, understand." She turned away from him. "What I mean is...like...when we were stranded on New Earth, I was afraid that you would rape me. I know now you would never do such a thing but then...but then I didn't." She turned back to him. "Can you deal with that? Can you deal with the fact that I thought you could be like him?"

Chakotay slowly closed the gap between them. "Trust isn't intrinsic, Kathryn, it has to be earned. You had every reason to be wary of me, even if you hadn't been through what you have. Distrust in moderation isn't always a bad thing. It can be a good form of self-protection. It's also a necessary trait in every captain. A person who operates on the premise that everyone can be trusted until proven otherwise would have killed us all within six months of being in the Delta Quadrant. We have to earn someone's trust and I'm glad that I earned the trust of both the captain and the woman."

Kathryn looked at him almost in disbelief. "You're not angry or offended at all?"

"Not at all," Chakotay said kindly. "I half suspected, anyway. Not about your past, but your wariness of me. You were wearing enough night clothes to go on a tour of the Antarctic."

At that Kathryn smiled a little and then laughed softly. "I suppose I was." She then fell serious. "Not everyone would be so understanding. I haven't dated many men, less than a handful in fact, but there was someone before Mark that I spent some time with and he didn't understand at all. He'd invited me over to dinner at his place and everything was going so well until we started kissing. It was only our first date and we didn't know each other very well, not like you and I do, so I didn't think he would want more than that. But he had other ideas and assumed we would spend the night together. He lay over me on the sofa, which I wasn't exactly comfortable with but went along with anyway,but when he began to undo my blouse I just freaked out. He was stunned for a moment and then asked what was wrong with me. I said I just wanted to go home and left as soon as I could. The next day I felt really guilty about what had happened and went to see him. I really liked him and hoped we could put it behind us, but he was less than welcoming. He said I was seriously messed up and needed to get my head sorted before I got involved with anyone else. He said no man wants a frigid woman who thinks them capable of rape. I tried to explain that I didn't think he was like that, but he wouldn't listen. He said it was obvious what I thought of him and he didn't want to date someone who could think him capable of that." She paused. "I never went on a date again. I couldn't face it. Mark and I just kind of happened."

"I'm sorry," Chakotay said sincerely. "He shouldn't have treated you that way. If he really cared for you he would have stuck around."

"But he was right," Kathryn continued. "How many men would be prepared to deal with that? There is such darkness in my head, so much..." She paused. "Who could experience that darkness and still want to be with me?"

"Me for one," Chakotay said, taking her trembling hands in his. "There's a darkness inside all of us. It's a rare person who goes through life without damage of some kind. You're an amazing woman, Kathryn, the most amazing woman I've ever known. The most amazing person. You're so courgagous, so clever, so compassionate..." He gently put his hand to her cheek. "And I love you so very much. We'll get through this. Together."

Kathryn saw his sincerity in his eyes and slowly leant into him, leaning her head on his broad shoulder. Chakotay wrapped his arms around her and held her close.

**END OF CHAPTER TWO**


	4. Chapter 4

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**THE LOST YEARS**  
**(R)**

**CHAPTER THREE**

With a cold glass of water in her hands, Kathryn walked over from the suite's replicator to rejoin Chakotay on the couch. They had spent a long time talking, or rather she had spent a long time talking, and had found herself telling him things that she hadn't thought about for years. It was almost as though she couldn't stop talking once she had started. Chakotay had listened, questioned at times and been reassuring at others, but now he was very quiet. He was sitting on the sofa in a rigid position, his face taut, and was staring at his hands. The pain in the expression tore at her heart. It was such a contrast to the dazzling happiness he had displayed only hours before.

"This isn't how I wanted it to be," Kathryn said, sitting beside him, "our wedding night. It's supposed to have been the happiest day of our lives and it's turned into one of the worst." She paused. "I should have thought I would react, but all I was thinking about was you and me and..." She paused again. "And it wasn't you. It wasn't you I reacted too. It was him. It was like he was there...like I was there...But it wasn't you..."

"I understand," Chakotay replied. "You had a flashback." He paused painfully. "But I was the cause of it, and I'm sorry. I only wanted to show you how much I love you, only wanted to bring you joy. The last thing I wanted was to hurt you."

Kathyn reached for his hand and squeezed it. "You didn't. You wouldn't. I trust you more than it's possible to trust. I know I'm safe with you. All those years on Voyager you showed me time and time again that you would die for me. I trust you with all my heart and soul...with all that I am." She paused tearfully. "And it was beautiful. The way you touched me, the way you kissed me, there was no comparison. You were so gentle, so tender, touching me as though I'm something sacred. He never...it was nothing the same. It wasn't you, it was me. One moment I was in heaven with you, and the next I was in hell with him..." She paused. "I didn't think I'd ever have to burden you with this. But I should have told you, let you come to terms with this before we married...if you had still wanted to marry me. I went about it all wrong. I'm sorry."

"Of course I would still have married you," Chakotay replied. "I love you. That's why this hurts so much."

Kathryn lowered her eyes. "I know. I know you love me. And I also know I don't deserve your love, not after the way I've always treated you. All I've ever done is bring pain into your life. I know I hurt you on Voyager by pushing you away all those years and now..." She paused. "I wanted you to be happy but when I found out you were seeing Seven, it was like my heart had been wrenched and sliced into a million pieces. I didn't know how to express my love for you, had never known that, with anyone, but I knew I felt it. I knew I loved you."

Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder. "You mustn't think that you've only ever caused me pain. You've brought immense joy into my life, Kathryn. I've never loved anyone as much as I love you and even though there were difficult times on Voyager, they were the happiest years of my life. It hurt to not be able to be with you, but I knew you cared for me, loved me even. It was there in your eyes, in your touch, in all the things you didn't say and do. Whenever I was sick or injured you would be there, whenever I was feeling down or discouraged you'd raise my spirits, and when I was feeling alone and lonely you'd keep me company. There are many different ways of expressing love and you made me feel loved and needed. I'd never felt that, never felt I belonged anywhere." He paused. "Letting go of the hope that I would one day be with you was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do, but I believed it had to be done. We'd been in the Delta Quadrant for years and were closer to home than ever. I'd hoped that as time went by you'd change your mind about not being able to have a relationship with a crewmember, but you never did. I had to accept that you never would and had to try and build a life for myself on Voyager without you." He paused. "But while Seven made me happy for a while, she wasn't you and there's no one for me but you, Kathryn." He took her hand in his again. "I just wish I had known about all this. I once told you that I wanted to make your burden lighter, and that goes for all your burdens, all your sorrows, all your pain."

"I've never told anyone," Kathryn said quietly. "Not even Justin or Mark. Justin had his own problems to deal with and Mark...that's another story."

Chakotay looked at Kathryn sadly. "You were never intimate with them, were you? I mean, you never consummated your relationship with either of them."

"No. But how did you...?"

"Because if this happened with me, it would have happened with them too and if had, maybe it wouldn't have happened now."

Those words didn't make as much sense as he had hoped but Kathryn seemed to understand his meaning. She got to her feet and wandered over to the window.

"I couldn't," she said quietly. "I wanted too, I wanted to be like other women, but I couldn't." She paused. "Justin wasn't like any other man I knew. He was so quiet, so focussed, so distant. I saw in him the same pain as I felt in myself...one wounded soul identifying another, maybe. I wanted to help him, wanted to help take away the pain I wanted someone to help take away from me. He'd had a difficult childhood and had been terribly tortured by the Cardassians. Physical intimacy was difficult for him. Other men who were interested in me would come on quite strong, but he was always very reserved. And I liked that. I liked how he liked me to set the pace." A tear ran down her cheek. "Maybe that was part of the attraction, I don't know, but I did love him. I loved him so very much." She paused. "I think he suspected that something had happened to me because he would ask me questions sometimes about my past that suggested he knew there was something, but he never asked directly. A part of me wanted to tell him and yet...and yet another part didn't. He started to take more and more of the initiative in our relationship and one night he asked me to stay over. I'd been expecting it because we'd been together for a long time, but when it happened I still panicked. I made some excuse about having to be somewhere in the morning and he let it be at that, didn't pressurize me at all. The following weekend he asked again and when I made up another excuse he started to get heavy...I mean with the questions. And the more he asked, the more frightened I got. We argued and I told him it was over between us because he clearly only wanted to sleep with me. The next day he came to see me and told me he was sorry for upsetting me and after telling me how much he loved me, he asked me to marry him." She paused painfully. "We planned to take a vacation the following weekend and consummate our relationship then, but two days after we were engaged, he was dead."

Chakotay got up from the sofa and joined her at the window. "What happened with Mark?"

It was a long moment before Kathryn answered. "We were never engaged. We'd been good friends for years, but we'd only just begun dating. I only said he was my fiancé because it made things easier on Voyager. If everyone thought I was engaged, no one would expect me to get involved with someone else. He was my safetynet in many ways. I think I even told you that once."

"You did," Chakotay replied. "After you received a letter from him telling you he'd married a woman he worked with."

Kathryn turned slowly to Chakotay. "I'm sorry I deceived you. I never meant it as a deception, it was just..it was just self-protection."

"I understand," Chakotay replied.

Kathryn lowered her eyes and continued fidgeting with her fingers. "The only other serious relationship I had was with Jaffen and my memories of what happened on Quarren are hazy." As more and more memories of her true existencehad returned, memories of her life on Quarren had faded. "According to the doctor we were sexually intimate, and I guess if we were living together we had to have been, but I can barely remember our apartment, let alone what we got up to in it." She paused. "He wanted to stay with me on Voyager, I can remember that, but I didn't want too. I wasn't myself when I fell in love with him and even though I couldn't remember then all about my past or that it was you I really loved, I suddenly wasn't as comfortable with him physically as I had been." She paused again and then looked up at Chakotay. "It's not midnight yet. The registrar should still be here. I think we should go and see her and ask for an annulment. We've only been married a few hours and I'm happy to take any exam to show our marriage hasn't been consummated."

Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder. "I don't want an annulment, Kathryn. I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you."

Kathryn turned away from him. "But this is so wrong...all of it. We've waited so long for the chance to be together and our wedding night should have been so special. Now it's all ruined. I want an annulment. I want us to start over."

"We can't keep on pressing the rewind and erase button in life when things don't go to plan," Chakotay tried to argue. "We're married now and I'm glad that we are. Knowing all this I'm even more glad that we are. I love you and I meant every one of the vows I made to you today. I couldn't mean them any more a second time."

"But it's spoiled, Chakotay," she cried, turning back to him. "Don't you understand? He's made it dark and ugly and dirty, just like he's made me..."

Chakotay seized her gently. "You're not dirty, Kathryn. You must never think that. You're..."

"I am," she protested, shaking herself from his grasp. "It's how he'smade me feel... how he's making me feel now. I could never wash him away. No matter how many baths or showers I took I could still smell him, always smell him. And now he's taken our wedding night from us too and I can't..."

She could say no more as she wept painfully.

Chakotay gathered her against him and held her tenderly. "Alright, Kathryn," he reassured her, "we'll go and see the registrar and get an annulment. Then, if you want, we can continue our vacation somewhere else and put this night behind us." He kissed her hair softly. "When you're ready, we can start thinking about another wedding."

Kathryn's tears ebbed at his words and she stood still in his arms, her own tight around him. "I'd like all that."

Chakotay kissed her again. "Then we'll do it."

**END OF CHAPTER THREE**


	5. Chapter 5

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**THE LOST YEARS**  
**(R)**

**CHAPTER FOUR**

Kathryn watched as the registrar, a tall woman with long brown hair and blue eyes, held out a pad and an electronic pen to Chakotay.

"Please read and sign where highlighted."

Chakotay began to read the displayed document and then positioned the pen to sign.

"No..." Kathryn cried as he was just about to sign.

Chakotay's tired eyes flew to her face.

"Kathryn?"

"I've changed my mind. I want us to stay married."

A light shone in the depths of Chakotay's eyes. "You do?"

Kathryn nodded. "Yes. I mean, if you do."

The registrar interrupted. "If either of you have any doubts about this union then now is the time to act on them. Once you have consummated your marriage, then getting an annulment will be very difficult. You will most likely have to file for divorce."

Kathryn made no reply to that. She had a million doubts, if not a billion, but all she knew was that when Chakotay was about to sign away their marriage, a terrible pain had knifed her heart. She didn't want to give up on their marriage so soon. Besides, in her mind, the difference between an annulment and a divorce was just an ancient technicality anyway.

"I have no doubts," Chakotay answered.

The registrar addressed Kathryn. "Admiral?"

Kathryn looked up at Chakotay and smiled softly as she caught his eyes. "Neither do I."

"Well, then," the registrar smiled, "I guess you won't be needing this..." She took the padd from Chakotay and pressed a button at the base of it. "Annulment request file deleted."

* * *

"What made you change your mind?" Chakotay asked, closing the door behind them as they returned to their suite.

"I'm not sure exactly," Kathryn replied, turning towards him. "I just knew that when it came down to it that I couldn't go through with it. I too meant every single vow I made to you today...for better and for worse. And you were right. I couldn't mean them any more a second time." Tears welled in her eyes. "You once said to me that sometimes we have to accept what life has dealt us, that we have to find the good in it and move on. All my life I've wanted everything to be perfect and felt I'd failed if it wasn't, but nothing can ever be perfect. Life doesn't work that way. We just have to be grateful for the perfect moments we get along the way, and our wedding today was one of those."

"It certainly was," Chakotay answered, closing the gap between them. "But life doesn't have to be about settling for second best or a few moments of happiness in an otherwise existence of pain. It should be the other way around. If you want another wedding, Kathryn, I'm happy to have one."

"I don't," she said. "When we were pronounced husband and wife it was the happiest moment of my life. No one can take that moment away from us."

Chakotay gently put his hand to her cheek. "I'm going to devote every day of my life to making you happy, Kathryn. I promise you."

"You already do, Chakotay. More than you know. I just hope that I can make you happy. But I'm going to try, Chakotay, with all that I am. Over the past few years you've seen the worst of the captain but you haven't seen the best of Kathryn, and I promise you that from now on that's what you're going to get."

"As you are of me," Chakotay replied. "I love you so much, Kathryn."

"I love you."

They embraced warmly and then Kathryn drew away. "Do you know what I would like right now?"

"Tell me," Chakotay replied.

"A delicious hot chocolate topped with vanilla ice cream and fudge pieces."

"Sounds wonderful. I'll replicate us one each."

"No," Kathryn protested, raising her hand, "you go and sit down and let me weight on you for a change."

"Alright," he replied.

He went to sit down and Kathryn went over to the replicator. In no time at all she had replicated their desired treat, complete with a long spoon, and carried them over to the sofa.

"Thank you," Chakotay said as Kathryn handed him a hot chocolate. "Looks even more delicious than it sounded."

Kathryn sat beside him, curled up her legs and leant towards him. "How would you like to go skiing tomorrow?"

"I'd love to," Chakotay replied, dipping into his mountain of ice-cream.

"The slopes here are supposed to be amongst the best. I'll admit I'm a little rusty, but that's half the fun."

"There's an ice-skating competition at the weekend in the local arena. We could try to get some tickets if you'd like."

"Oh yes please, "Kathryn answered. "I adore ice-skating. It takes such skill and yet is so graceful at the same time. It's very similar to ballet in many ways, but the feet position and body weight distribution are different because of the skates. I used to go ice-skating with my cousins every now and then, but wound up horizontal on the ice more than I was anywhere near graceful on the skates."

Chakotay smiled, but there was a haunting pain in his eyes.

"I know what you're thinking," Kathryn said. "You're feeling sorry for me because..." She paused. "But it wasn't' all bad, my childhood. I have some very fond memories. In many ways, I was one of the lucky ones."

Chakotay almost choked on the words. "How do you make that out?"

"Well, I had a mother and a father who loved me, a wonderful little sister, even if she was a pain sometimes, and an aunt who adored me. I had a stable, loving, home, whereas many children who are abused don't have that. And I was lucky in that there were relatively few opportunities for my uncle to be alone with me. Some children are abused week in and week out, some by their own parents. My parents would never have done anything to hurt me." Tears welled in her eyes. "And it could have been Phoebe, you know? I'm glad that if it had to be one of us, it was me."

"But it shouldn't have been either of you," Chakotay replied, anger beginning to knot inside. "Dammit..." He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry...I just..."

"I know," Kathryn replied. "But it will be okay, Chakotay. Next time when we, you know, I won't react. And I don't want you to think about this anymore. It's my problem to deal with and I don't want it to change how you feel about me."

Chakotay put his drink down on the table. "I've told you, Kathryn. Nothing could change how I feel about you. But we can't pretend this has never happened. We have to deal with it, together. This isn't your problem, it's our problem."

"But it does change how you feel," Kathryn argued. "I can see it in your eyes and how you are with me. You look at me now with so much pain in your eyes, so much pity. And I don't want you to look at me that way. I want you to look at me with the same sparkle and passion in your eyes that you used too."

"This has been a shock, Kathryn," Chakotay explained. "I had no idea about any of this. Child abuse it's...it's something we all know goes on but not something we want to think about or have to come to terms with having happened to someone you love." He paused. "I always sensed a vulnerability about you that others didn't seem too, a vulnerability that made me want to protect you, and I always sensed a deep and profound pain, but I never suspected anything like this. The thought crossed my mind that maybe you'd been raped by the Cardassians when you were held by them or maybe in another situation, but I suppose I pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind. But all the signs were there and I should have read them. I'm sorry."

Kathryn reached for his hand. "How could you know, Chakotay? As you said before, I had every reason to doubt you and some captains would have doubted you even more than I did. There's no way you could have known. Not even Tuvok knows, at least I don't think so. He may have seen something during a mind meld, I don't know. The Doctor doesn't know either as I never reported what my uncle did for it to be on my medical file."

"I just feel like I let you down," Chakotay said quietly. "I should have questioned you with my suspicions, not pushed them aside in favor of more palatable explanations."

"You've never let me down, Chakotay. We can all think how we should have done things differently with the benefit of hindsight, but when we're living through them...You didn't know and I didn't tell you. If you suspected, then for every suspicion there must been a hundred others. I was evasive with you, sometimes contradictory. There's no way you could have guessed this."

"You're right," Chakotay replied. "It's very difficult to guess what someone else is thinking or going through, even when we know everything about them. But the more I think about it, the more clear the signs were. That incident, for example, when we were alone together one of the first times on Voyager...I should have remembered that..."

Kathryn frowned. "What incident?"

"When we were alone together in your ready room and unexpected turbulence threw us both to the floor."

Kathryn lowered her eyes. "I remember now."

She had hit her head as she fell to the floor and had bruised her side against her desk. For a few seconds she had been rendered unconscious and woken to find Chakotay leaning over her, undoing her uniform. In panic she had pulled away from him and got to her feet, ignoring the agony in her ribs.

"I was undressing you because with communication and transporters offline, I couldn't contact the doctor or get you to sickbay, so had to treat you myself. But you clearly thought that..." He paused, clenched his fists. "I was annoyed with you for not letting me treat you, thinking it was because you wanted to get back to the bridge, when all the time..." He got to his feet and wandered over to the window. "Dammit, I've been so blind..."

Kathryn got up and joined him at the window. "You're being too hard on yourself, Chakotay. I don't know how I would have got through the Voyager years without you. I don't think that I would have got through. You were my rock., my shelter, my harbor. All my life I've battled with feelings of not wanting to live anymore. Not so much that I wanted to kill myself, just that I didn't want to go on living. And I went through that on Voyager too. I couldn't help think that it was all my fault that we were stranded and that the crew would be better off if you or Tuvok was in charge. If a mission came along that involved a heroic death then that seemed the perfect escape." She paused. "But you were always there to stop me. Sometimes I hated you for it, but you were there."

Chakotay turned to her slowly, tears in his eyes. "I just wish I had done more. I'm sorry, Kathryn. I'm sorry that the first and only time you trusted me with a massage, I...I reacted..."

"So did I," Kathryn replied. "When you touched me I felt...I felt like flutters inside, like there was a power running from your fingers into me. But then you stopped and I realized I'd got carried away and...and I felt so ashamed."

"I'm sorry," Chakotay replied, "that I made you feel that way. I only wanted to help you, to ease your pain. The last thing I wanted was to make you uncomfortable. I loved you so much, Kathryn, and being so close to you, to finally be able to touch you, it was...it was intoxicating."

"It wasn't you, Chakotay. It was me. I couldn't handle what was happening between us. I'd been attracted to men before and felt some of the same kind of flutters when they touched me, but never felt them as intensely as when I was close to you. And it was the feelings that made me feel ashamed, not you. Most of the time when he would touch me I would detach myself from what was happening, like I wasn't there, but sometimes it was..." She paused painfully. "It felt good. Somehow he always knew when that was and would afterwards make me feel guilty and ashamed for having liked it." A tear ran down her cheek. "He made me feel dirty...that my body was dirty...that touching and being touched was dirty...and it's so hard to change that. I mean, in a sexual sense. I'm okay with touching people affectionately, in fact have always gone to great lengths to make sure that I do...some kind of overcompensation, I suppose, I don't know. It's not uncommon for someone with these kind of issues to appear to be the most affectionate person in public. The hardest part for me isn't so much in touching others, it's being touched myself. Justin and I never got particularly far because of both our problems, but sometimes we would lie together on grass or sand and he would affectionately stroke my body. I liked how it felt, and yet...and yet I felt uncomfrotable...dirty somehow for liking it. I can't really talk about my experience with Mark because we'd only been dating a short time and hadn't done much more than kissing. I was okay with that, the kissing...well, almost. It was still difficult because he was a very sensual kisser and would stir feelings inside me that I didn't understand and wanted to control. I preferred him to kiss my neck as I could detach myself a little more from that, but didn't always succeed because it felt so good."

"A woman's neck is erogenous," Chakotay said sadly. "Kissing there is meant to be pleasurable."

"That was one area of biology I ignored," Kathryn confessed quietly. "I wasn't interested in learning about sexual biology or mating behaviors or anything like that. I just wanted to forget that sex existed most of the time. I only did the minimum course requirements in biology and avoided any course options relating to human sexuality. I focussed all my efforts on physics and mathematics." She looked up at him. "It's a good thing you were around when that swarm decided it wanted to mate with Voyager."

Chakotay made no reply, just looked at her sadly. He wanted to comfort her, wanted so much to take all this pain away, but words seemed inadequate. Tears welled in Kathryn's eyes and she turned away.

"I don't know if I can be like other women, Chakotay. When I think of sex I think of pain and fear and being controlled. It has no positive associations for me. Other women are passionate and sensual where as I'm...I don't know if I can enjoy it...being touched..." A tear ran down her cheek. "And yet I want to be. A part of me longs to know what is it like with someone who loves me. I got a taste of it tonight when you tried to make love to me and it was..." Her voice fell to a whisper. "So pleasurable. More so than anything he ever did to me. I don't know why I reacted because I love you and trust you and I wanted it for us so much..."

She wept softly and Chakotay gathered her close.

"It was too much too soon, Kathryn," Chakotay answered. "Like trying to run before you can walk. We need to take baby steps first."

"That will be so unfair on you."

"Not at all. I love you, Kathryn, and I want to help you." He paused, knowing how much Kathryn hated to be helped by anyone in anything. "What I mean is...I want to support you through this."

"It's okay," Kathryn said, raising herself slightly to look at him. "You can say help. Because you're right, I do need help."

Chakotay caressed her arm. "I also think it would be a good idea for us to talk to someone...a counselor." He had taken a holo psychology and counseling course on Voyager so that he could offer confidential counseling to any crew-member who wanted to talk, so he had a pretty good idea of what Kathryn was going through and what she needed, but he felt they could both benefit from professional therapy.

Kathryn lowered her eyes and nodded. "I know I should have seen a counselor a long time ago, but I couldn't face it. I didn't want to talk about it...with anyone."

"I understand," Chakotay replied. "And I know it must have been difficult to tell me tonight. I'm really proud of you."

At that, Kathryn looked up at him, tears in her eyes. "I didn't want too, but now I'm glad I have. I just wish..." A tear ran down her cheek. "What if it happens again? I really have no positive associations, and after what happened tonight, I have another bad one. What if it keeps happening?"

"Then we'll deal with it. But if we take things slowly, build you up to a level where you're not only comfortable with being touched but can enjoy it, then it will be a whole different experience for you."

At these words, Kathryn broke away from him and turned towards the window in frustration. "This is so pathetic. I must be the most pathetic woman on the planet...in the whole Federation."

"You're not pathetic, Kathryn," Chakotay responded. "You're amazing. I've always admired you profoundly, and now, knowing all this, I admire your achievements all the more...Everyone goes through something in their life where they need the help and support of someone who loves them to get through it, and everyone has some skeleton in the closet, no matter who they are. We all have strengths and weaknesses and we all need to use our strengths to helps the weaknesses in others. To have this issue after what you've been through, doesn't make you weak. It makes you human."

He turned her gently to him.

"What you went through as a child is as different from making love as drinking a steaming cup of hot coffee is to having it thrown in your face. But if all a person knows of coffee is the pain of the burn, how can they appreciate the flavor? It would take a lot of courage for that person to sample the coffee again in the hope of discovering the pleasure of the taste. That we're here together, that you're willing to deal with this, shows just what a strong and courageous woman you are. You want to beat this, and that is half the battle."

"I do," she replied. "I want to be what you need and I want to be like other women."

Chakotay took her hands in his. "I don't want you to think about me, Kathryn. I want you to think only about what you need."

"But I know, from him, that...you know...the act is very pleasurable for the man...that he needs that release. Women enjoy giving men that release and I want to be able to aswell."

For a moment her words rendered Chakotay speechless, then he found his voice. "Is that what you think, Kathryn? That sex is about giving men release?"

Kathryn hesitated, but then nodded.

Chakotay turned away from her, leant against the window frame, and took a deep breath, trying desperately to absorb this.

"I...I've offended you," Kathryn said quietly. "I told you I would...I told you it's ugly in my head..."

At that Chakotay turned back to her. "No," he said honestly. "You haven't offended me. I just...I wasn't expecting that." He reached out and put his hands on her shoulders. "Making love is no less pleasurable for a woman. Women feel the same pleasure too. With a gentle and considerate lover, perhaps even more..."

Kathryn looked at him helplessly, almost in mortification.

"But we'll get to that intensity slowly," he continued. "That is if you want too. We don't ever have to do anything that you don't want to do. I'm happy to just be with you, to show you affection in whatever way you're comfortable with."

"I do," Kathryn whispered, "want too." Tears filled her eyes. "I love you so much, Chakotay."

Chakotay tenderly brushed his fingers against her cheek. "I love you too."

Kathryn leant into his strong body and Chakotay held her close. They held each other a long time, both cherishing the closeness of the other.

Eventually, Kathryn drew away. "Your chocolate will have gone cold," she said, looking in the direction of the abandoned delights. "Shall I replicate you another one?"

"I'm okay," he answered. "Thank you. But I'll join you if you're having one."

"I'm okay too," she replied. "And it must be gone midnight by now. I think we should get some rest."

Chakotay nodded. "I'll replicate a couple of blanket and set myself up on the couch."

Kathryn's face fell at that. "The couch? But I thought...?"

Chakotay caught her drift. "Are you saying you would like us to share the bed?"

"Yes," Kathryn replied. "I mean...if you want too...if you're comfortable..."

"Of course. The question is would you be comfortable?"

"Absolutely," Kathryn answered. "I want you beside me."

Chakotay took her hand in his and kissed it. "Then I'll be there."

**END OF CHAPTER FOUR**


	6. Chapter 6

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**THE LOST YEARS**  
**(R)**

**CHAPTER FIVE**

Wearing a long, low-cut, nightdress of blue satin, Kathryn stepped out of the bathroom into the bedroom. The lamp lights were low, casting a soft warm glow around the room, and the curtains on the window were closed. Chakotay was sitting in a chair by the bed, dressed in black satin pyjamas, and was looking through a local brochure. When he heard Kathryn enter, he put down the brochure and got to his feet.

"I've remade the bed," he said, gesturing towards it. "Choose a side."

Kathryn went over to the luxurious four poster bed and selected the left side. "I'll take this one," she said...if that's alright with you."

"Absolutely fine with me," Chakotay smiled. "It's actually the side I was hoping you'd pick."

Kathryn looked up at him at that and smiled warmly. Then she pulled back the covers, climbed into the bed and began to draw the curtains around it.

"Like sleeping in a cocoon," Chakotay said as he climbed in opposite her.

"Yes," Kathryn replied. "We'll be as snug as a bug in a rug."

Chakotay drew the curtain at his side and then lay down. When she'd finished drawing the curtains, Kathryn lay beside him and leant slightly over him.

"I'm so happy we're married," she said, looking deep into his eyes. "I know that tonight wasn't anythign what we wnted it to be, but right now I'm happy, I really am."

Chakotay gently put his hand to her cheek. "So am I."

Kathryn smiled and then snuggled up beside him, laying her head on his chest. "I never really thought it would happen to me," she said reflectively, "that I would get married. All the girls at school would talk about the kind of wedding they wanted, but I just didn't want to think about it. Every time I thought of, you know, I felt like I was going to be sick." She paused, the memory of those confused and lonely years hurting. "I wished I was dead most of the time because I didn't want a future of what existed then. And I didn't see how it was going to change. I saw him in every man I met and I had so much pain inside me that everything was so twisted in my head...maybe it still is."

"In what sense?" Chakotay asked, wanting her to elaborate.

"The physical," she answered quietly. "I got it in my head that the physical was all a man wanted from a woman...was all he would want from me. And while I know now that isn't the case, not with all men, I still have so much confusion in my head about what it means...the physical..." Her voice fell to a whisper. "What it means to you..."

"Making love with the woman I love," he said gently. "Giving and receiving physical affection and pleasure in the most intimate and tender of ways."

"But there isn't always love," Kathryn replied, raising herself to look at him again. "And you've had women before that you didn't love."

"Yes," Chakotay said sadly, "but only when I was young and foolish and didn't know any better. As I grew up I changed and was only ever intimate with women I cared about."

Kathryn drew away from him and sat up, hugging her knees. "I bet they were good," she said painfully. "Especially Seska..." Tears filled her eyes. "How can I ever be like her?"

Chakotay sat up beside her. "Why would you want to be? Seska was cold and manipulative and everything between us was a lie. You're nothing like her and I thank the spirits for it."

Kathryn turned towards him. "But it's only natural that you'll compare me to her and...and to the others...And I can't compare..."

Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder. "No, you can't. Because what I had with other women in the past doesn't come within a million light years of what I have with you. You can't compare because there's no comparison." He paused. "What I had in the past it's like...It's like what I was telling you about the coffee...about how making love with someone you love is like drinking a cup of steaming hot coffee rather than having it thrown in your face. In between that there's the drinking of luke-warm and cold coffee...the different degrees of intimacy without love. I've tasted that many times, sometimes luke-warm, sometimes cold, but never rich hot steaming coffee." He took Kathryn's hand in hers. "And that's what it means for us...drinking the finest, richest, coffee that could ever exist."

Kathryn looked at him with so much longing and yet so much pain. "I want to taste it," she said quietly. "I want it so much for you..."

"For both of us," Chakotay corrected her.

Kathryn nodded. "For both of us." A tear ran down her cheek. "I don't understand what I feel sometimes...don't understand the power. Because when I'm with you it's like...You take my breath away. So many times on Voyager I found myself gazing at you and wanting to touch you and while it felt so right it also felt so wrong...so dirty...and I felt so ashamed and guilty."

"Then you shouldn't have," Chakotay said sadly. "I'm glad you found me attractive and would have been happy for you to gaze at me and touch me all you wanted. It felt right because it was. There was nothing wrong in what you felt for me, nothing at all."

"But you were my First Officer and my friend. I shouldn't have thought of you that way..."

"You were in love with me, Kathryn," Chakotay said gently. "Please don't ever be sorry for that. Having you being in love with me it means...it means everything. And I felt the same for you. There were times when I would look at you and I could hardly breathe. We loved each other, Kathryn. There is nothing dirty or shameful in that. What we feel for each other is good and proper and true." He paused. "I'm only sorry I didn't know any of this. If I had, then we could have talked like this a long time ago and you could have been spared a lot of this pain." He squeezed her hand. "Tell me honestly, Kathryn. Was this...what happened to you... a part of the reason you wouldn't get involved with me on Voyager?"

"I don't know," Kathryn answered. "And that's the truth, Chakotay. If none of this had happened, if I'd been like other women, then yes, maybe I would have got involved with you, but I don't know. I just...I couldn't. On the one hand you were my First Officer, but on the other you were also my prisoner...officially in my custody at least. There may have been no official rule on whether a Captain and First Officer could get involved in our circumstances, but plenty on getting involved with those in custody... Sometimes it seemed like it didn't matter, that we were so far away from home that nothing about Starfeet rules and regulations really mattered anymore, but other times, most of the time..." She paused. "If I'd have got involved with you then it would have looked like I was weak, that I had no self-control, that I would have slept with anyone just to sleep with someone. And I would have felt more dirty and ashamed than I did already." A tear ran down her cheek. "But I loved you, Chakotay. Even when I didn't know what else I felt, I knew that."

Chakotay looked at her sadly. Clearly their command situation on Voyager had done nothing to help her problems and had possibly made them worse.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I'm sorry that our positions confused things further for you. After everything you'd been through, you shouldn't have had to deal with that."

"It hurt," Kathryn replied, "but I think it helped too. Our positions gave me something to hide behind, a good reason to keep a distant between us. If we hadn't of met in the situation that we did, if we hadn't by circumstance been made to work so closely together all those years, then maybe we'd never have come tofeel what we did for each other. If I hadn't of come to love you, if I hadn't of seen just how much you really cared for me, then maybe I would never have had the courage to get involved with you. It took me years after Justin died to be able to entertain the thought of being with someone else because if my trust in men hadn't been damaged enough by my childhood, then it certainly was after he died as I was terrified of loving only to lose again. That only date I had after him ended up a complete disaster, and I just couldn't go through it all again. I'd known Mark virtually all my life and I wasn't at all scared with him. When he said he cared for me more than a friend and would like us to be more than friends, I was okay with that, welcomed it even because he was the only man I could really trust. And I did love him, I really did. I just...I don't think I was ever in love with him, not really. I think I wanted to be." She paused. "I guess what I'm saying is that I needed those years and all that happened between us to get to know you and to trust you."

"I can understand that," Chakotay said sincerely. "I just wish I could have been more use to you...taken away more of your pain..."

"You did, Chakotay. You took so much of it. And I know it must have seemed like I was taking you for granted sometimes, but I was thankful for you every moment of every day. I mean it when I say I don't think I would have got through those years without you. Nothing scared me more on Voyager than the thought of losing you." A tear ran down her cheek. "And it scares me now."

Chakotay tenderly traced the course of her tear. "Nothing scares me more than the thought of losing you. But I'm not going anywhere, Kathryn...at least not without you. This is forever."

Kathryn took his hand in hers and squeezed it. "Forever."

They gazed into each others eyes for a moment, and then Kathryn lay back down.

"Hold me," she said quietly.

Chakotay lay beside her and gently gathered her in his arms. Kathryn leant back against him and entwined her arms with his.

"For so many years I've dreamed of this," she said, closing her eyes and cherishing Chakotay's embrace. "Of going to sleep in your arms. So many nights on Voyager I fell asleep imaging you were beside me. Sometimes it was the only way I could sleep. But now you're here and it's real."

Chakotay kissed her soft auburn hair. "And I'll be here every night, Kathryn. Just like I'll be here every morning when you wake up."

Kathryn smiled sleepily. "I can't wait."

Chakotay kissed her again and Kathryn addressed the computer. "Computer, dim lights."

Instantly, the lights faded, plunging the room into darkness.

"Goodnight, Chakotay," she said softly.

"Goodnight, my love," Chakotay replied.

Kathryn closed her eyes and Chakotay felt the tension leave her rigid body as she slowly drifted to sleep. But he didn't think he would be getting much sleep that night...or for many nights to come. He knew that what had happened to Kathryn was going to haunt his nights for a very long time. He was so angry at what had happened to her that a part of him wanted to go to the gym and box until he had boxed away the dark rage inside his soul, but another part of him just wanted to lie here in the dark next to Kathryn and hold her safe forever. And it was that part of him, the stronger part, that won. There would be a time and a place to release his anger, but now wasn't it. Kathryn needed him beside her, and beside her was where he belonged, just like he'd always known.

**END OF CHAPTER FIVE**


	7. Chapter 7

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**THE LOST YEARS**  
**(R)**

**CHAPTER SIX**

**TWO YEARS LATER**

In the soft light of a Mexican dawn, Chakotay watched as Kathryn slept soundly beside him. Her hair was long now and flowed over her thin shoulders, falling in uneven streams. After two weeks exposure to a hot Mexican sun, dark freckles dusted her pale skin, and Chakotay gazed at them, casting each one to memory. It never ceased to amaze him just how deep his love for this woman was. He loved her more than anything. And just when he thought he couldn't possibly love her anymore than he already did, he found himself falling in love with her just that little bit more.

This was going to be the last day of their Mexican vacation, and a part of Chakotay didn't want it to end. It had been their happiest vacation yet. Kathryn was now very comfortable with the physical side of their relationship, and he was very proud of how far she had come. He knew it had taken a lot of courage on her part, and he felt both privileged and humbled by the trust she continuously placed in him as they grew and thrived in that area. It had taken several months of building up their intimacy before she was ready to make love, but it had been worth every moment of the wait. He had gone to considerable trouble to make sure that the setting and timing was perfect, and it was. They had made sweet and tender love in the quaint and cosy bedroom of an old Irish cottage, and afterwards he had cradled Kathryn in his arms as she wept from emotion and joy.

Suddenly, Kathryn began to stir beneath him, and then opened her eyes.

Chakotay smiled. "Good morning."

Kathryn smiled in return. "Good morning."

They kissed softly and then gazed into each other's eyes.

"What time is it?" Kathryn asked.

"Just after 6am."

"Early," Kathryn replied. "But I'm glad, because I want today to last..."

She raised her lips to Chakotay's and they kissed again. Then Chakotay drew away.

"What would you like for breakfast?"

Kathryn smiled. "Is that an offer to make it?"

"Absolutely."

"Then I'd like some maple syryp pancakes with a glass of apple juice."

Chakotay kissed her forehead. "Coming right up."

* * *

In no time at all, breakfast was ready. Chakotay expected to find Kathryn on the balcony of their apart-hotel where they took breakfast every morning, but when he made his way there, he found the balcony empty. He walked across the balcony to the glass doors that lead into the bedroom, and through them saw that Kathryn was sitting on the edge of the bed, her hand at her stomach. Her body was taut and she looked unwell. Chakotay opened the doors and stepped inside.

"Are you alright, Kathryn?"

"I don't know," she replied. "I feel nauseous."

Chakotay put the tray in his hands down on a chair and went over to her. "Perhaps we should call the Doctor..."

"No. There's no need for that. I'll be alright in..." Without another word, she got up, hurried into the bathroom, and threw up in the toilet.

Chakotay followed her in and found her sitting against the wall.

"Dammit," she said in frustration. "I so wanted our last day to be perfect..."

"These things happen," Chakotay said kindly. He went over to her and knelt before her. "I really think you should see the Doctor, though..."

Kathryn nodded. "I'm thinking it was the curry last night. If so, he'll be able to give me something to settle my stomach and we can enjoy the rest of the day..."

Chakotay put his hand on her arm. "I'll give him a call."

He got to his feet and was just about to leave the bathroom when a thought came to him and he turned around. He studied Kathryn closely, his inquisitive gaze unsettling her.

"What is it?"

"I was just thinking...Maybe you're pregnant..."

A light filled Kathryn's eyes at those words. "Do you think...?"

"My mother was always very sick in the mornings when she was expecting and, well, we have been trying..."

"But only for a few weeks. The Doctor said it could take months given my age..."

"Well," Chakotay replied. "There's one way to find out..." He went over to a shelf in the bathroom and picked up a medical tricorder. "This should tell us."

He knelt beside Kathryn again and switched the tricorder on.

Kathryn watched, breath suspended, as he scanned her. Every second seemed an eternity and she could wait no more.

"Well?"

Chakotay looked up at her, tears of joy in his eyes. "You're pregnant."

For a moment, Kathryn did and said nothing, then she reached for the tricorder, almost snatching it from Chakotay.

"I am," she said, tears welling in her eyes as she read the displayed data. "I really am..." She then looked up at Chakotay. "Oh, Chakotay..."

Before she knew it, he had gathered her in his arms and they were holding each other tight.

* * *

"Definitely pregnant," Voyager's former EMH announced after performing a quick examination of Kathryn following their arrival home in San Francisco later that evening. "To be precise, you're 42 days pregnant." He smiled warmly. "Congratulations."

"I can't believe it," Kathryn said, still in a happy daze. "I didn't think I'd get pregnant for months, if at all..."

"You hit jackpot first time," the Doctor replied. "It happens." He smiled again. "And, as this is Kathryn Janeway we're talking about, somehow that doesn't surprise me."

Chakotay questioned. "Can you tell what gender the baby is?"

"Yes," the Doctor answered. "Would you like to know?"

Chakotay was about to reply when Kathryn did instead. "No," she said abruptly. "I mean...it's not a surprise then, is it?"

Chakotay was a little disappointed by her response, but didn't argue.

"As you wish," the Doctor replied.

"But everything isokay with the baby, isn't it?" Kathryn went on. "I mean, I didn't expect to get pregnant this quickly and, while I've been trying to stick to a pre-conception diet, I've had both coffee and alcohol the past couple of weeks..."

"The baby is just fine," the Doctor reassured her. "And, I know I don't have to tell you that now you're pregnant, you need to watch your diet carefully. I'll draw up a new diet plan for you and drop it by tomorrow."

Kathryn smiled. "That would be very helpful, Doctor. Thank you."

* * *

It was past midnight, but still there was no sign of Kathryn coming to bed. She had been quiet ever since the Doctor had left, and Chakotay was feeling increasingly worried about her. Commanding light, he got out of bed, put on his robe, and went looking for her.

He found her in a dimly lit living room, sitting on the couch weeping.

"Kathryn?" he said gently. "What's wrong?"

At the sound of his voice, Kathryn got to her feet. "Chakotay...I...I was just..."

Chakotay went over to her and put his hand on her arm. "Tell me what's wrong." A deep sadness then filled his eyes. "Is it the baby? Are you not happy?"

"No," Kathryn replied. "I'm happy, I truly am. I just..."

"Just what?"

"I didn't expect I'd be pregnant so soon. I thought it would take months and...and now it's happened, that I'm pregnant, it's...it's kind of scary..."

"I understand," Chakotay said kindly. "It's overwhelming for me too. But there's nothing to be afraid of." He put his hand to Kathryn's abdomen. "There's a miracle taking place inside you, and I'm so thankful. All our baby needs is love, and we have so much to give."

Kathryn nodded. "I just...I'm still not like other women, Chakotay. It seemed that way, like I finally was. But now..." A tear ran down her cheek. "I can't...I can't bear the thought of...of being intimate while...while I'm pregnant...I know doctors say it's safe, that it won't hurt the baby, but I can't help worry that it might and I just feel...I'm sorry..."

She wept softly and all Chakotay could do was gather her close.

"It's alright, Kathryn," he said quietly. "We don't have to be."

Kathryn's tears eased a little at that and she lay her head on his shoulder. "But it wouldn't be fair to you and...other couples they still..."

"This isn't about other couples," Chakotay said gently. "This is about us. We don't have to conform to a norm, even if we knew what it is. Intimacy is so personal to every couple that I'd say it's impossible to know. Lots of couples might not be intimate during pregnancy, for lots of different reasons. And as to what is fair to me, I've told you before, many times, I only want to make love with you when you want to make love aswell. That's the deal."

Kathryn closed her eyes and let herself melt into Chakotay's loving embrace. "Thank you," she whispered.

Chakotay kissed her hair. "There's nothing to thank me for."

"There is," she replied. "For everything. You show me every day what love really means."

Tears welled in Chakotay's eyes at that. "You show me too, Kathryn."

"How? I hardly know..."

"In so many ways. There is so much kindness in your heart, so much compassion. Always you try to do what is right, regardless of the cost to yourself. You have morals and principles where so many other people have only self-interest and preservation. When we met all those years ago I was a wounded soul, an angry warrior, a man with so much pain inside that it was killing him. Very few Starfleet Captains would have chosen to have me as their First Officer the way you did. But you saw something in me that others didn't see, and you gave me a chance. You will never know just how much that meant. I saw in you a person that I wanted to be, and you saw in me the man I could be, not who I was." A tear ran down his cheek. "You're the only good thing that has ever happened to me, Kathryn. All my life women have used and exploited me for their own ends, but not you. You've always treated me with respect and never wanted anything from me. You loved me for who I was, even though there were a million reasons why you shouldn't. I've never felt for anyone what I feel for you, and I wouldn't be the man I am now if it wasn't for you. All I want for the rest of my life is the privilege of loving you."

"And you have it," Kathryn replied. "If I have the same of you."

Chakotay kissed her again. "Forever..."

They held each other a long moment, and then Kathryn drew away.

"Shall we go to bed?"

Chakotay nodded. "Let's go to bed."

He kissed her forehead, holding the kiss for a long moment, and then put his arm around her as they left the room.

**END OF CHAPTER SIX**


	8. Chapter 8

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**THE LOST YEARS**  
**(R)**

**CHAPTER SEVEN**

**THREE MONTHS LATER**

A bump now visible, Kathryn stood in the middle of the room she and Chakotay had selected to be the nursery and tried to visualise how the plain and empty room would look when it was redecorated.

"I think blue carpet," she said, looking at the presently uncovered floor. "And curtains to match. Not dark blue, though. Something bright and cheerful. The walls should be cheerful too. I'm thinking yellow teddy bears and blue bunnies..."

"Sounds good," Chakotay replied cautiously, bridging the gap between them, "but maybe we should opt for a more gender neutral color like purple or green..."

"I like blue," Kathryn answered. She turned to look at the window. "We're going to need to put up a blind too as the sun really hits this part of the house in the afternoon. We don't want our son to be dazzled..." She then turned to her right. "And I think we should put the cot over there. It's away from both the door and the window so he should be nice and snug..."

Chakotay looked at her in concern. "Kathryn," he said hesitantly. "We don't know that we're having a boy. We may be having a girl."

"I know that," Kathryn replied. She then tried to change the subject. "I think we should have a blind to match the curtains. I can replicate a catalogue and we can look through it tonight."

Chakotay didn't follow her change in direction. "I don't think you do know it," he continued. "I mean...I don't think you accept the possibility that we might have a girl. You never talk about having a daugther, you only ever talk about having a son. And now you want to have a blue-themed nursery, the traditional color for a baby boy..."

"Then maybe it's just instinct," Kathryn responded. "Maybe I sense we're having a boy."

Chakotay closed the gap between them. "Sense it or want it?"

"I don't know what you mean..."

"I think you do. You want this baby to be a boy, don't you?"

Kathryn was about to protest, but the look on Chakotay's face made it pointless and she nodded in defeat. He knew her too well, better than she knew herself. She could hide nothing from him.

"Tell me why," Chakotay asked gently.

"Because the thought of having a girl terrifies me," she said, looking at her hands. "How would I keep her safe? How would I spare her going through what I have?"

Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder. "After what happened to you it frightens me too. All I want is for our child to grow up in a happy, loving and safe environment. And all I can say is that I know we will both do our best to make sure that happens."

Kathryn looked up at him. "But what if our best isn't good enough?"

"I can't answer that," Chakotay said sadly. "But having a boy wouldn't make the problem go away. Boys are abused too."

"I know," Kathryn replied, turning away from him to look out of the window. "I know that having a boy doesn't make the danger any less. I just...Statistically more girls are abused and raped than boys and being the scientist that I am, when it comes to statistics and probability..."

Chakotay finished the sentence for her. "You see the probabilty of risk to a son as less."

Kathryn nodded. "Ironic, in a way. I mean, statistics are meaningless, aren't they? They're just numbers assigned to an experience. They say nothing about what that experience was like. And, statistically, I'm not a statistic. There is no record anywhere of what happened to me. Statistically, I'm a non-statistic." She paused. "They say that for every one boy abused there are two girls, but what if there are more boys? How can we know? I don't know why a cold meaningless statistic should be of any comfort and yet...and yet I suppose for the scientific mind it offers the lesser danger, like choosing a route with the less number of reported casualties even though both are dangerous..." She paused again. "And then there is the other issue."

"What's that?"

Kathryn was a moment in answering. "Boys don't get pregnant."

There was something in the way Kathryn said those words that sent a cold shiver down Chakotay's spine. For a long moment he stared at her, a growing fear inside. "Are you saying...?"

Kathryn nodded. "When I was fourteen."

Pain knifed Chakotay's heart. After all they had been through, after all she had told him...not once had he suspected this...

"I lost the baby," Kathryn continued. "Lost it before I even knew I had it. I don't even know if it was a girl or a boy. No one told me. No one cared. I collapsed in chemistry class one day and the teacher sent me to sickbay. I don't remember much except coming round and being told I'd suffered a miscarriage. I'd been bleeding for a few days but I thought it was just a period. I had no way of knowing it was anything else. Before Matron called my mother she questioned me for a long time, asking again and again who the father was. I wanted to tell her the truth, but I was so scared of what my step-uncle would do to me if I did. So I told her it was a boy I'd dated on Talkon Prime in the summer. There was no boy, I hadn't dated anyone, but I didn't know what else to say. When she asked me to name him, I said I didn't know his full name, just his nickname. She asked if he'd forced himself on me, and I said no." She paused. "I should have told her the truth, I know that, but I was too scared."

Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Kathryn."

"I thought my mother would be furious, but she wasn't...at least, if she was she didn't show it. She took me home, put me in bed, and then gave me a long talk about how it was wrong of me to do what I had with this boy and in the future I should wait until I loved someone. All I could think about was what Daddy was going to say and begged her not to tell him. She said she wouldn't, I guess because she knew he would be angry and he had enough on his plate as it was..." She paused. "I blamed him...my step-uncle...for my baby dying. The night before I started bleeding, he made me do things and...I blamed him. And I hated him more than I hated him already because I wanted my baby, I really did. I know some people would never understand that, but I did." She paused again. "My step-uncle left a few weeks later. Maybe my mother confided in him about what had happened, I don't know. But he left for Africa and I never saw him again."

Chakotay gently turned Kathryn towards him. "Why haven't you ever told me...after everything we've been through...?"

"I didn't think you needed to know," she replied. "You had so much to come to terms with already and I didn't want to burden you with more than was necessary."

"Whatever you've been through, I want you to be able to tell me. I don't want you to ever feel you have to hide something from me." He paused, hardly daring to ask. "Is there anything else you haven't told me?"

"No," Kathryn answered honestly. "That's the last thing. You know everything now." She looked up at him sadly. "We're having a daughter, aren't we?"

Chakotay flinched at the question. "Why do you ask me?"

"Because if you know me then I know you. You've clearly been worrying about my preoccupation with having a boy, and my guess is you've spoken to the doctor about our baby's gender. If he had confirmed that we're having a boy then you wouldn't have said anything to me,you'd just have let me go on believing it would be a boy. But he said we're having a girl, didn't he?"

Chakotay hesitated, but then nodded.

Tears welled in Kathryn's eyes and she lowered them. "I think I knew," she said quietly. "Deep inside. I think I knew and that's why I was so afraid..."

Chakotay caressed her arm softly. "I understand. But our daughter is going to be the luckiest little girl in the world to have you as her mother. Don't ever doubt that."

Kathryn looked up at him and smiled wanly. "Not half as lucky as she'll be to have you as her father."

Chakotay brushed his fingers against her cheek and then gathered her against him. Kathryn wrapped her arms around him and leant her head on his shoulder.

"Purple," she said after a while. "I think we should make the room purple."

Chakotay kissed her hair. "Then purple it is."

**END OF CHAPTER SEVEN**


	9. Chapter 9

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**THE LOST YEARS**  
**(R)**

**EPILOGUE**

Kathryn gently picked up her sleeping daughter and carried her into the living room. Chakotay was sitting there reading, a small flat-nosed white dog at his feet, and he smiled when he saw his precious little girl fast asleep in her mother's arms.

"Looks like you've tired her out."

"Yes," Kathryn smiled. "Remind me to play ballet with her more often."

Chakotay laughed softly. As much as they both loved their daughter, she ran rings around them with her youthful energy and just watching her sometimes exhausted them both.

"She'll probably sleep for a couple of hours," Kathryn went on. "I'll put her to bed."

Chakotay put down his book and got to his feet. "I'll give you a hand."

He followed Kathryn to their daughter's room, and closed the pretty purple blind on the window to shut out the bright afternoon sun. The room was such a contrast now to the plain and empty room it once had been. On the floor was a fluffy pale purple carpet that matched the blind and curtains, and an abundance of toys filled the room from teddies and ragdolls to soft balls and starships. Cheerful nursery rhyme characters decorated the walls, and a small wardrobe and chest of draws shimmered the colors of the rainbow.

As Kathryn carefully removed Melissa's tutu, Chakotay pulled back the frilly purple covers on the bed. Then, when Kathryn had put their daughter down, he helped her to remove the tiny ballet slippers on the child's feet. Kathryn then pulled the covers over her daughter and kissed the little girl's temple.

"She looks so peaceful, doesn't she?" Chakotay commented as Kathryn drew away.

Kathryn nodded. "And I don't want that to change. I don't ever want that to change."

"Neither do I," Chakotay replied. "But she's going to grow up and have difficult times that to her will seem like the end of the world. When that happens, all we can do is be here for her."

"I know. I just wish...I just wish I could wrap her up in cotton wool and spare her from ever knowing pain or sorrow. But, as you say, they're a part of life and will be a part of hers..." She gazed wistfully at the beauitful sleeping child who, so far, had only known love and joy in her short life. "I just hope it's not for a very long time. These are her magic years, her innocent years, and that's how I want her to remember them...years full of laughter and happiness and love."

"And she will," Chakotay said, putting his hand on his wife's shoulder. "I'm certain that she will."

Kathryn was about to speak when a ball of white fluff passed her and jumped onto Melissa's bed. The little fluffy dog then lay down and wagged her tail.

"No, Snowy, honey," Kathryn laughed. "You mustn't sleep with Lisa."

She picked up the small dog and turned to her husband. "Come on. Let's get out of here before we wake our darling up."

Chakotay smiled. "Agreed."

He then kissed Kathryn's cheek, and they quietly left the room together.

**THE END**


End file.
